Saturn, Sit with me

 

It's been a while since I got time with you all. 

Last few weeks have been so hectic, things turning crazy in ways I didn't see coming. I'm not sure how many of you believe in astrology, but I do. And since Saturn went retrograde in my ninth house, I can see it playing out clearly even when I go to help someone with good intentions, it somehow turns against me. But there's a good side to it too. I got to see the real faces of people. The ones who weren't meant to stay got their exit quietly, without any noise. No drama. The plot just ended when it had to.

This retrograde is teaching me things about myself I didn't expect. Patience, mostly. A calm I didn't know I had, even in the middle of chaos. I'm taking my time to actually understand situations now instead of just reacting. Read somewhere once  you have to understand your own emotions first, figure out how to channel them, before you let anyone else's actions get to your peace. You can't let others' actions affect your peace. You can't. You really, really can't.

Today, after almost two weeks, I finally got time to sit with myself. Having dinner alone outside right now, typing this on my tab, and people keep glancing over, probably wondering why this girl's sitting by herself. But honestly, some days ask for exactly this. Since college I've always had people around me. Taking yourself out alone gives you a different kind of strength though. Gives you the pause to actually watch your life unfold instead of rushing through it.

Anyway. Writing this recap before I forget the details.

I realised what Smruti actually means to me. We've known each other since childhood, and I think somewhere along the way I started taking that for granted  that comfortable feeling of "she'll just always be there." But something happened recently, and the way she fought for me that was a different level. She's seen my most breakable phase. The night I lost my dad, she came running, held me together when I couldn't. Even in school she'd stand her ground next to me, and till today she's still there, holding my hand through whatever's happening. We've been through so many versions of life together, and I'm just relieved we found our way back to each other. This time it's staying forever.

Kuch rishtey waqt nahi maangte bas ek mauka maangte hain khud ko saabit karne ka. Aur Smruti ne har baar wo mauka jeeta hai.

Those two-three days I was hiding things even from my own family, I didn't want her to know either what I was going through. I still don't know how she guessed it. Maybe it's a mother's instinct in her. And she just stood there anyway.

 Sometimes the people who love us most show it in the quietest ways no drum rolls, just presence.

What else is happening. 

Snehal moved to Bangalore. Nik's moving to Kochi. Payal's coming back to India.

 Kind of a migration this Saturn retrograde is bringing, honestly a bit much. But friendships don't care about geography. These are the kind of friends where I can call at any random hour and just talk nonsense and it'll feel normal. Friendship is the purest form of love if you ask me, it lines up exactly with my own definition of the word. Love means staying, no matter what that's probably why some friendships feel like soulmate connections. We don't put any gravitational rules on each other and there's still a pull. Maybe the strongest one there is.

Realised one more thing the people who were quietly draining me, unwanted, unnecessary, they got their exit in the nicest way possible. That's the strange thing about Saturn, it shows you who actually deserves to stay, even if you want them around  if they're not good for you, the story has to close anyway.

And speaking of exits, can't not talk about what's new in life either.

I say I love love, but I think the definition itself is quietly changing on me. Used to see it through a total fairytale lens. Turns out it's not that, not entirely. 

It takes work, real work not the kind I put into building a slideshow, more like the kind I put into kathak. Understanding the mudras, the postures, taking care of every ghungroo, and then the music starts and it's just you and your art, nothing else exists. That's the kind of work I want to put into a relationship now. Not changing who I am completely, not expecting the other person to either. More about learning to just understand someone's presence. Not writing a script for it, not setting a timeline. honestly that alone took so much pressure off. Started actually enjoying the process instead of forcing it to look a certain way.

I used to think being in love meant being completely devoted, and I'd end up balancing my whole life around that intensity. Realised now those two things aren't as tied together as I thought. You can be completely in your own zone, chasing whatever you want out of life, and still love someone fully. Doesn't mean being in touch every single hour. Love isn't tracking every small detail of someone's day, that's shallow honestly. For me it's simpler now. Just being there. Like that small window you go stand near after a long day, just to breathe for a second. That calm, that comfort that's what I'm looking for in love lately.

Honestly for the last two years I haven't been actively looking for anyone. Understood there was work I needed on myself first. Wanted to understand myself better, heal a few broken parts that are still, quietly, under process. Not that I hadn't met people, I did. Things just never worked out. Sometimes lack of intention, sometimes lack of effort, sometimes just geography, timing, a vibe that never really landed.

Until I met this one guy. No nazar please.

The moment I started talking to him it felt like something else. Not that the chemistry is some grand dramatic thing, it's simpler than that. He matches my weirdness, weirdly. He's so different from me and somehow he still fits. What I like most is he just lets me be, and he knows exactly what he's doing with his life. Has a schedule he doesn't compromise on, puts himself first without apologising for it, and honestly that's damn attractive. I can see straight through to who he used to be, from the version standing in front of me now. His core is soft though. The calm he holds, the way he prioritises his own well-being, tells you everything about the work he's put into himself already. Always wanted someone I could talk music with, and that's where we connect. Best part of being around someone that grounded is their security gives you room to grow at your own pace, in your own space.

But is he my window? Guess only time will tell. Or like he puts it 

"Will see, Shubhada. Will see."

I don't think I'll ever stop romanticising life, not even in the middle of a Saturn retrograde. Always believed whatever we go through is meant to sculpt us, chipping away slowly at whatever doesn't belong until what's left is just, finally, you. Just waiting to see what version walks out of this one.

Till then, keep reading, pen readers.

Good thing about retrograde makes you write more.

I'll try. Pakka.